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We're going to talk about going to a meeting here, a local one, because that is mostly where we go. The parts can be extrapolated to going to a regional gathering or even the annual gathering by doing the Right Thing All the Time, Mostly.
Going to a meeting requires a little bit of preparation. Most people, even Mensans, can just sail through this without thinking. This is not true for those of us who have some social disability. We are those people who are perceived by others as outright obnoxious, lecherous, rude, odoriferous, and downright weird even for Mensans. Instructions follow.
Sometime before the day of the meeting, think about what to wear. This is not an insurmountable problem. Work clothes can be worn if one is an office worker, better not to if you toil in the dirty underground innards of the city. The idea is to wear comfortable, discreet clothing that fits in with what the other people are wearing. Be sure to use antiperspirant liberally: all over your body if necessary, including the palms of your hands. If you have to do this, with your sweat glands blocked all over, you can hang your tongue out like a dog to get rid of excess heat. We will understand. We would rather look at your tongue than smell you.
The meetings in my local group are generally divided into two to three parts. You arrive, bearing something edible to share with the others, and feed the kitty. In our group, the kitty is to reimburse the host/hostess for out-of-pocket expenses for hosting the meeting; however, many times it is donated to the group to expand our treasury. (Our group is one whose treasury stays about the same year to year after newsletter and scholarship expenses.) It is Not Nice to Stiff The Kitty. What you bring that is edible can be something you cooked that turned out right, not wrong. If you don't cook, it can be something you purchase. Everybody is used to Granny bringing M&Ms and Friend Dan making his Jell-O® Jigglers, which are surprisingly popular, especially when he uses the racing car mold and cherry Jell-O®. Put the item out to share and find a plate to sample the other offerings. DO NOT use your mathematical gift to calculate your exact share and grab it on your first pass. Indeed, you may miss some of your share but that is not important. The meeting is what is important, not how much food you eat.
People socialize during this initial period. Think of this as an opportunity. Conversation should be light and general at a meeting. Go to where most of the people are. There may be a chair to sit in, but probably they are already taken. You can stand for a little while. Take small bites of your food. A bite is the size of a chocolate truffle, no larger. It does not require opening your mouth wide to insert it. Keep your lips closed while you chew and swallow. If someone asks you a question or you have something to contribute to the conversation, finish your bite and swallow before you talk. You will definitely be the moment's sensation if you chew with your mouth open or have the food still in your mouth while talking, but we are trying to Avoid this particular type of attention. Also, do not touch the people around you unless invited. No one wants to be hugged and have your food go down their back simultaneously. In fact, they might not want to be hugged at all. You know if you are the one who tries to cop a feel in the hugging ceremony: YOU STOP THAT DISGUSTING BEHAVIOR IMMEDIATELY! Do not even Think about trying to cop a feel of Granny. She has nothing left of which to cop a feel.
The next part of the meeting is when people settle down to listen to the speaker and his/her presentation. The topic is not a challenge for you to bone up on beforehand or even to argue if it is in your field. It is intended to be a pleasant learning experience, often fairly light and somewhat amusing. We are not here to set this person straight in his views, we are At A Meeting to socialize. Just because the speaker is a total idiot is no reason to upset other people at the meeting. If you have strong emotions about the topic, perhaps you chose the wrong meeting to attend.
The last part of the meeting is given to more socializing and eating what is left of the food. You may eat a small plate of food if there is plenty left. Otherwise, ignore the food and socialize. Again, find the largest concentration of people or go back to the seat you had during the program. One obvious topic of conversation now is the speaker's presentation. Be gentle and kind, both to the speaker and to the person you are conversing with. Enjoy the conversation.
Notice when the first person who is not the speaker says goodbye and departs. This is a signal for you to think about doing the same. Say your goodbyes to the people you have talked with and then make your manners to your host and hostess and leave. You have successfully navigated one meeting.
Further therapeutic instructions may be obtained from Ozark Granny at ozarkgranny@attglobal.net.
There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that the AMC has a motion in the wings to establish a Granny Corps to ensure people's genteel behavior.
—Ozark Granny
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Copyright © Ozark Granny 2002