Lockjaw, TX (DUH) — American Mensa, Ltd. (AML), the High IQ Society, today announced the advent of its latest member benefit — Food Chewing Services, Ltd. (FCSL)
Many Mensans cannot or will not, for whatever reason, chew their food thoroughly before swallowing it. This can cause indigestion, excess stomach acid and gas, and a possible health or even death risk from choking. Insufficiently chewed food also has been tentatively linked to "the root cause of choking on food that hasn't been chewed enough," according to FCS, Ltd. Coördinator Dan Mendenhall. Mensans, though innately possessed of intelligence higher than that of 98% of society, still need help when deciding how many times to chew before swallowing. "It's just not a basic human instinct," Mendenhall explained, "and it certainly has nothing to do with intelligence. But there's simply no way for anyone to know about chewing without being taught, and Mensans are no exceptions — not by a long shot." (Mendenhall then paused for an extensive coughing fit.)
AML Chairman
Even Bleaker concurred. "To save Mensa, it is necessary to raze to
the occasion. We would NEVER seek to impose `GroupThink' on Mensa,"
Ms. Bleaker continued. "But what one simply must understand, of course,
is that bias in any form is antithetical to our Mission (except the purging
of Kryptonite from our drinking water and atmosphere, as it affects the
brains of our Youth), and bias, therefore, must be proscribed.
All verbal or written religious, political and societal debate must be
ended now, before the public starts thinking we can think.
And that goes for such risky behavior as mastication, too," she concluded,
graciously defining "mastication" before signing off. Board
member Half Bake nodded his apparent assent, though he made no official
statement for attribution. Other AML officials, including Dan B. Wildered,
Scott Brainfree and Ed Gorgon, stood aside, appearing dazed.
Henceforth, Bleaker and Mendenhall agreed, Mensans must accept that all food consumed at a Regional or Annual Gathering is to be chewed for them, by certified, accredited Food Chewers, at "not less than the rate of 22 times per minute, at a force of not less than two kilograms per square centimeter, with a total volume of food (expressed as a percentage of total mouth volume) not to exceed ..."
[Editor's note: at this point, the document became indecipherable.]