The National Office has announced the introduction of
a new hotline as a public service. Now our fellow citizens can dial
1-800-Tell-On-M to report Mensans whose reckless disregard for the feelings
of normal people causes undue emotional injury, thus putting Mensa in
a bad light.
This innovation is the latest in a series of protective measures conceived, designed and implemented under the auspices of the Risk Management Committee. This particular program, reminiscent of the bumper stickers on some commercial vehicles, is intended to counter the possible ill effects of boorish, know-it-all Ms who brandish their abnormal intelligence, wit, creativity or imagination indiscriminately — i.e., in front of people who display little or any of those qualities.
Since, by public standards, that could be any of us, the RMC expects to have to hire 45 call-center workers to answer the phone calls that are sure to result. Even though outsourcing will reduce employment costs, dues will have to increase, possibly by as much as a third, to hire these workers. But volunteers wouldn't work, explained the source who answered a call placed to the RMC's new National Office suite. Refusing to reveal his or her name and speaking through a voice distorter, the source laughed, "We sure don't want to make these people feel any stupider — not when they're calling to report that some Mensan already invited them to join Densa!"
Indeed, the RMC seems to have given this factor much thought: telemarketing will be outsourced to Molvania, a country known for its absence of modern dentistry and for the poverty in its streets and education standards. The tiny nation markets its voice workers by underbidding Canadians, the Irish, and former Iowans who have emigrated to Calcutta to teach telemarketing. Mensa will be Molvania's first call-center client. Assuming they can get past the accent, callers are more than likely to feel intellectually superior to the call center's workers, a central concern in the RMC's awarding the bid to Molvania.
To support this program and protect the society from the consequences of offending the intellectually neutral, we will be expected to wear buttons, T-shirts, or bumper stickers that inform the public how to report incidents. Slogans being considered are:
How am I thinking?
Get it?
Am I acting "too smart for my own good"?
I'm not making you feel stupid, am I?
The 1-800 number will be prominently featured, as will the individual's Membership Number; the RMC source denied that tattooing of membership numbers has been considered. Ms reported more than once will be invited to explain the circumstances to the Advocate; any Mensan found guilty of unwarrantedly causing a normal person to feel inferior would be liable to expulsion.
The anonymous RMC source scoffed at some members' concern that too many Ms, even "inactives," could be prosecuted and expelled under this program, and that only the politically correct and the socially facile but ineffectually ambitious — those members who ask nothing better than to hold the highest possible position in some political hierarchy — would remain. "At least we know how to talk to dumbasses! Besides, the fewer of the other kind there are, the less Mensa risks injuring the sensibilities of the less intelligent and being sued by their smart lawyer in-laws. It's really a no-risk plan."
To comply with the spirit of this program, the American Mensa Committee has agreed to lead the way by setting a Maximum Intelligence limit on the making of its decisions. Decisions that are too smart will automatically be disqualified as setting a poor example for the membership by failing to blend in with the "normal" community. Underscoring its endorsement of Risk Management concepts and principles, the AMC will make the application of this intelligence limit retroactive to the RMC's original presentation of its findings.
— Angie Richardson, Fort Worth